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Thread: Funny

  1. #1
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    Default Funny

    So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, mean looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.I said pleasantly “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?” Of course, her children were at least two years apart, and while they share common features, they certainly didn’t look like each other.The woman stopped yelling long enough to say “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other ones 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins… are you blind, or stupid?”So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am. I just can’t believe someone f**ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
    If I havent offended you please be patient Ill get to you as soon as I can...... and yes Im a Bloomquist fan...deal w it!!! WWG1WGA!!!

  2. #2
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    Jan 2015
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    A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.“What are you doing?!” she asks.“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in- law explains. “But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaims.“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law answers.“Love dress? But you’re naked!”“Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can’t get enough of me!”The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.“What are you doing?” he asks.“This is my love dress,” she whispers sensually.“Needs ironing,” he says. “What’s for dinner?He never heard the gunshot.
    If I havent offended you please be patient Ill get to you as soon as I can...... and yes Im a Bloomquist fan...deal w it!!! WWG1WGA!!!

  3. #3
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    Feb 2015
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    Default

    Them's funny

  4. #4
    Join Date
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    After 35 years of service, mailman George decided to retire. On his final day, he makes his usual rounds for the last time.When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope which included a hefty gift certificate to a local sushi restaurant.(not a nice word)At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars and a nice bottle of scotch and a huge hug.(not a nice word) The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.When they’re done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.“All this is just too wonderful for words,” he says, “but what’s the dollar for?”“Well,” she says, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ But breakfast was my idea.”
    If I havent offended you please be patient Ill get to you as soon as I can...... and yes Im a Bloomquist fan...deal w it!!! WWG1WGA!!!

  5. #5
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    Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class.A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and Savior?”But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber.Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the rear.“Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Mary Margaret, and the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.The Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”Again, Johnny came to the rescue.This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that (not a nice word)(not a nice word)(not a nice word)(not a nice word) thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
    If I havent offended you please be patient Ill get to you as soon as I can...... and yes Im a Bloomquist fan...deal w it!!! WWG1WGA!!!

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